Turning my mess into a message.
Let me spill the vulnerabili-tea
Hey, I’m Sam, Sam is who I am
The beautiful part of getting vulnerable in sharing your own story is that those who you share it often see themselves in it too. We truly can learn from one another, connect to the lessons and resonate in a way that allows us to see that we are all here having a very human experience (one that is never linear).
Through my own journey of making a mess out of trying to harness the huge amount of passion and drive I have in a way that allows me to reach my potential and fulfill my purpose without burning out in the process - I am on a mission to share the messages I have made from the mess and expand others to embrace being more holistic, conscious, present, playful and well in their lives.
So here goes, here’s the story, I hope you find ways to see yourself in this, to know you are not alone and to take away the messages that I formed from the messier (& beautiful parts) of the human experience.
My background goes all the way back to my teen years where I suffered severe depression and anxiety that led to self harm. I was labelled as shy or even stuck up (little did they know I didn't speak to them out of not feeling good enough, not feeling too good for them). I gained a love for how health and fitness, I worked out that it helped me relieve the anxiety and depression - I loved how it made me feel. But through an identity attached to my looks, societal influence and lack of self worth I quickly turned this into an obsession.
For majority of my twenties I had battled bulimia. I would restrict my food and aim for perfectionism in my diet and training, but as life stresses grew I would lean on food for a sense of comfort & to numb, so I'd binge and then feel the need to reverse it out of fear. With this in tow, but a huge drive to create success, I sprinted into working life. I worked huge hours, never stood for boundaries and never stopped. My self worth was entirely tied up in my body image, work and what others thought of me. I dipped in and out of awareness of needing to make change. I saw psychologists, naturopaths and started programs to help beat the bulimia and burnout and was on antidepressants for my mental health.
But nothing worked, it was all engrained so deep in my belief system and identity - I just couldn't stop running.
My mental health struggles led to a love for fitness …which then turned toxic
The “I’m gonna work for myself & be happy and free” but with a plot twist era …
Fast forward to COVID - I had left my previous full time role that felt like it took over my life. It felt like a win, I felt a spark of freedom after travelling Europe and started to see another way. So I started a PT business and design business off the back of it and thought I was onb this path to freedom.
Predictable plot twist, I was not. I was now my own boss. The mean, overly critical, workaholic kind who couldn't say no, ever. Living in Melbourne through lockdowns with all social obligations removed, these shadows of my life I created took over. All I did was work, barely sleep, consume caffeine, oh and we can't forget try to still eat perfectly and train every day. I was also in a relationship with a beautiful person, but nonetheless out of fear and security. I severely lacked true passion, connection, fun and peace in my life. I was a shell of myself.
So….how did things change?
Slowly and through many steps all of which were essential - including the detours and wrong turns I started to dig my way out of a hole I created. In short though I invested in me. I hit a point that I just asked myself - why am I even doing this? What am I living for? I invested in a business coach who helped me to see the misalignment in a huge factor - my work. I dropped clients and switched directions, followed different strategies. I then invested MORE in a mindset coach (this was a combined total of over 5 figures which I didn't even at the time) - realising it wasn't just about strategy and my work, it was about self.
Through a simple values exercise I realised my true values went more like - connection, health, then work. Except the way I was living only really reflected one mostly (work surprise surprise), then health (except I was stressed to the nines and not sleeping so unsure it can be called that) and connection was close to non existent. I did the deep healing - reconnected with my inner child, set goals to reconnect with other women and so much more. I'd also taken on a gut healing protocol at the time which was a new approach to how I was eating.
My movement slowed down and I made some positive shifts (still noting the stress and sleep factor here). It got to a point of healing where I felt awake, clear and more me on the inside - but my external reality didn't match. It was like a woke up one day and my life was on one side and I was on the other looking through a glass window I couldn't get through.
I'd worked out that the hustle mentality wasn't going to equal happiness, I wanted more, not more achievement, more of the basic joys in life. Coastlines, friendships, true love, hobbies. The path in front to get that looked scary - it meant changing A LOT.
But that seemed scarier than living the rest of my life like this. So, I left the state for a break, but I never came back. I left my 10 year relationship, shut down my design business to start again in a new direction.
The Transformation
Now ...
I'm living a short 10 minutes from the coastline and treat the beach like my backyard. I learnt to step back from business and prioritise fun and adventure.
I explore on weekends, start and actually finish books (fiction ones too), embrace the grandma lifestyle and love an early bedtime, I've connected on a deeper level to friends and family and found my partner in crime and experienced true love so unexpectedly.
I've been off antidepressants for years and my relationship to my body and foods continues to bloom. I truly believe in myself, my growth and my mindset to continue to build a beautiful life. And instead of using the fire within me to do do do for others to the point of burnout, I intend to use it to prevent others from missing out on the most important parts of living too and to create a purpose and meaning in life that feels good for them.
My story is my superpower - I wouldn't change a thing.
Not the scars on my arms from the self harm as a young woman, not the 10 years I spent in a relationship I'm no longer in, not the 3 am work finish times or the nights spent in the bathroom crying after a bout of bulimia behaviours. All of it brought me here, it brought me lessons, gratitude and wisdom.
The beauty is we get to write our story, and every day I use these lessons to write one that feels aligned, that makes me feel more alive for the time I am here on this beautiful earth.
See yourself in the story?
You are the hero
Too often we act like a sidekick, the supporting cast instead of the leading role in our own life. You’re the main character, it’s time to harness your main character energy my love
You write your own story
At any point in time you have the power to flip the script. To rewrite the stories you’re telling yourself that keep you stuck in self doubt, self sabotage or that lead you to feeling as though you’re settling for your life over creating it.
Sometimes all you need is a guide
Sometimes all we need is someone to shine a light on our own power, to uncover the blocks we cannot see & step into the hero’s journey - your incredible journey